How Different Attachment Styles Present in Dating

The dating game in London is no joke. Like everything else in London, this too can be competitive, overly complicated and can take a lot of determination to be a success…

Our upbringing influences the way we approach dating and relationships throughout our lives. From the time we are born, we start to form our first social bond with our caregivers. The security of that bond can inform our relationships throughout our lives. If a child is brought up in a warm, loving environment, a secure bond or “secure attachment” is developed. The child is taught that their needs matter, that they will be loved and supported, and that people, in general, can be trusted.

On the contrary, when a child perceives that their needs are not met, the child is not able to build a secure and stable bond with their caregivers. This leads to a distorted perception of how relationships work.

Attachment styles are essentially patterns of how we think, feel, and act in close relationships. Unsurprisingly, both healthy and negative bonds can have a lasting effect, even into adulthood.

These early attachments are so influential, in fact, that there are names for each of the different types of bonds. With each of these connections, there are effects that it can have on the relationships and friendships we form for the rest of our lives. It is no exception with dating.

Let’s go over each attachment style type and how it may affect dating. While there can be combinations of attachment styles, we’ll just go over the basics right now.

Four Types Of Attachment Styles And How They Affect Dating

Secure Attachment

In this attachment style, the earliest relationships were healthy, positive, and trusting. When it comes to dating, a person with a secure attachment style is better at communicating their needs and balancing their partner’s needs. They are comfortable enough to easily express their emotions and care for their partner’s emotional needs.

Arguments or conflicts will ultimately end up not causing them to spiral into thinking things are worse than they actually are. This style is definitely more of the go-with-the-flow type. While the bond they form with their partner is important to them, they are confident enough to be happy on their own or during time away from one another.

Anxious Attachment

If someone has an anxious attachment style, it could indicate that the bonds of their early life were inconsistent. A caregiver may have been really loving one day, then cold and distant the next. Because of the inconsistency with having emotional needs met, this is how an anxious attachment forms.

As adults, a person with this anxious attachment style will constantly question the validity of their relationships. Fearing abandonment because of their childhood inconsistencies, they may constantly seek approval from their partners. When they are in a relationship, they will likely struggle with the idea of being alone. Because of this, they may end up being seen as clingy out of their fears of being abandoned.

Avoidant Attachment

Unlike the attachment example above, people with this style had caregivers who were always cold and distant. Growing up in this type of home likely meant they were not taught or shown how to share emotions or talk about things that bother them. There may not have been mental or physical abuse in their childhood, but they were still emotionally neglected.

In adulthood, they are more likely to avoid emotional intimacy or being too close to anyone. These are the people who really struggle to form lasting connections or to be in a long-term relationship. They are fiercely independent because they have learned how to not depend on anyone else the hard way.

Fearful Attachment

The final main form of an attachment style is the fearful one. For these adults, they grew up in a home that was either physically or mentally abusive, or when their basic needs were neglected. It was a very unstable life for them growing up.

As adults, this manifests with dating by pushing their partner away. Their relationships are also volatile and can fluctuate from wanting love and attention to fearing their partner’s intentions. They can also switch constantly between strong or weak connections in their relationships.

How To Deal With Attachment Styles In Dating

If you are struggling to deal with your attachment style and how it manifests itself in your dating or relationship, relationship counseling can help you move forward. Reach out to me to begin.