The Comfort in Sadness: Why Some People Find Safety in Sorrow
As a psychotherapist, I've had the privilege of delving deep into countless individuals' complex emotions and inner worlds. Among the myriad emotions we explore, sadness often stands out. While it may seem counterintuitive, many people feel safe in sadness... In this blog post, we will explore the psychological and emotional reasons behind this phenomenon, supported by clinical examples and relevant references.
Understanding Sadness
Sadness is a universal human emotion, a natural response to loss, disappointment, or change. It often comes with feelings of heaviness, emptiness, and a sense of isolation. While sadness is a normal and healthy emotion, some individuals seem to gravitate towards it, almost as if it offers a sanctuary of sorts!…
Let’s explore why:
A Familiar Comfort Zone
For some individuals, sadness represents a comfort zone, a familiar emotional state that they've grown accustomed to over time. It becomes a default emotional response to various situations, serving as a shield against more overwhelming or intense emotions like anger, anxiety, or fear.
For example, I had met a 32-year-old client, who grew up in a chaotic household where she experienced frequent emotional turmoil. As an adult, she found herself drawn to sadness because it felt predictable and less frightening than the intense emotions she had experienced as a child. She used sadness as a coping mechanism to maintain a sense of control.
2. The Myth of Emotional Safety
For some, sadness can be perceived as a safe emotional state because it keeps vulnerability at bay. When someone is sad, they may believe they are less likely to be hurt, rejected, or disappointed by others. In essence, it's a defence mechanism to shield oneself from the potential pain of opening up emotionally.
Another example of how this can play out in day-to-day life is when there is a guy, let’s say a 40-year-old man, who had experienced several painful breakups in his life; he found himself choosing sadness as a way to avoid the possibility of being hurt again. He believed that if he kept his emotions in a state of perpetual sadness, he would be less likely to face the pain of rejection or abandonment.
3. A Sense of Identity
Sadness can also become a part of one's identity. Some individuals may perceive themselves as inherently sad or as "the person who always feels this way." This self-identification can create a sense of stability and predictability in their lives. I can certainly testify that there have been clients who have struggled with low self-esteem for the most part of their lives. They tend to find comfort in sadness because it gives them a consistent sense of identity. It was as if being sad was an integral part of who they were, and letting go of it felt like letting go of themselves.
Sadness and its Connection with Depression ?
Let’s not forget that when someone is really, really sad for a long time, it's not because they want to feel that way. It's a sign of a serious illness called depression, and it's not their fault. We shouldn't make it seem like they're choosing to feel this way or blame them for it. We need to recognize depression as a real problem and treat it seriously.
If you're sad most of the time, you might need to talk to a professional for help. You definitely don't need people telling you that you like feeling sad or that you should just get over it. That would be mean, and it wouldn't help at all.
Conclusion
While sadness can indeed offer a sense of safety and familiarity, it's essential to remember that it's just one facet of the emotional spectrum. As a psychotherapist, my role is to help clients explore their emotions, understand their underlying motivations, and provide tools to navigate the complex landscape of feelings.
If you or someone you know identifies with this pattern of seeking safety in sadness, seeking professional help can be a crucial step toward unlocking the full range of emotions and experiences that life has to offer. Through therapy, you can learn healthier ways to cope with difficult emotions, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling and authentic life.
Relevant Books to Read:
Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. New York: Avery.
Bowlby, J. (1980). Attachment and Loss: Sadness and Depression. New York: Basic Books.
