How Can I Stop Feeling Responsible For my Partner’s Happiness?
In society, we are often taught that we are responsible for how others feel. That the weight of the emotional state of others lays on our shoulders. It is instilled that we need to fix things, to make everything better for our partners or those in our life.
Obviously, there is nothing wrong with wanting to make sure that your partner is happy and taken care of. However, at some point, it can start to be a bit too much. The focus becomes not on the relationship, but how you can consistently make sure your partners emotional well-being is okay. While you should never do anything to jeopardize it, a hard lesson to swallow may be that you are not responsible for your partner’s happiness. Here’s why and how to stop feeling this weight.
It Puts You In A Reactive State
Say your partner is sharing something that is hurting them or bothering them. Maybe it’s from the past, or maybe it’s a current situation. How often do we get the urge to just want to fix it? To make things easier for them? That’s human nature, for sure. But, what this does is puts us in a reactive state. Instead of focusing on what they are going through and their emotions, your focus shifts to how to fix things.
Your thoughts may turn to, “What did I do? What can I do to make this better? How can I fix this or ask for forgiveness?”
While you should always take responsibility for your actions, you don’t have to bear the weight of their emotions. Just as you are allowed to feel how you do, so are they. Our emotional states are not something that needs “fixed,” or “worked on.” Emotions and feelings are just a part of the human experience. When we deny ourselves and others this, we are ignoring the basic nature of humans.
If you find that you are constantly wanting to fix things, work on focusing on what they are feeling and saying. Acknowledge their feelings and emotions are theirs and theirs alone. You may need to apologize for causing them, but you don’t have to fix how they feel.
Don’t Take Everything Personally
When it comes to our partners, we often hold the core belief that they feel this way because of something we did. No matter what they are feeling, how often do we blame ourselves for it?
When you begin to practice the belief that not everything is a personal attack against you, something you did or did not do, it puts YOU in a better emotional state. You don’t feel the need to overact to what your partner is going through.
Alternatively, if something hurtful was said to you, you are allowed to say, “that was hurtful,” to share how you feel with them. Just as you are not responsible for their feelings, they are not responsible for yours. You are allowed to feel however you want to, in whatever way you need to.
Your Partner’s Responsibility Isn’t To Always Keep You Happy
One common issue with most couples is that they believe they have to do everything they can to keep each other happy. While that may be true, it isn’t exactly gospel. Our “jobs” to our partners is to make them felt loved, cared, and supported for. It’s easy and comfortable to stay in a place where our sole purpose feels like it’s caring for our partner’s emotional state.
Our emotional states are not dependent on the actions or feelings of someone else. It is dependent on us and on our relationship with ourselves. Some say you can’t pour from a cup that is half empty; when your focus is on keeping your partner completely happy, you’re pouring from a half-filled cup. You can break this cycle by learning to accept that at the end of the day, we are responsible for our own actions AND feelings. No one can tell us how to feel and we have no right to do that to others.
If you are struggling to maintain a healthy balance in your relationship, reach out to me to get started on your journey of self-discovery.
