Client’s confession…

Wanting to be an inspiration to other people, and especially to other women, this client of mine decided to share her personal story and the honesty that she was able to reach through our sessions together…

I’m jealous… if I want to be honest with myself, I find myself there are moments, incidents and specific periods that I find myself feeling this way… not constantly; but it comes and goes… I feel empty, I feel an unidentified absence, some sort of grief, even injustice at times… I did not anticipate that my life would turn out to be this way…

And I feel angry, furious with myself and others…

I’m angry with my career progression because I now realise that it made me feel fearless but complete, without setting any boundaries or truly feeling capable of saying no… so I kept on going… I’m angry with partners who didn’t have the courage and determination to be there for me emotionally, and angry with my parents as they admired my sense of autonomy and independence, especially as I was a woman… no one realised the cost for it…

All the above make me very angry; especially with time and the fact that I didn’t take it seriously… although I’m still good looking, Ι still feel as a child inside, instead of being able to create a family of my own…

Obviously I haven’t had a family of my own… yet…

And I blame everyone else asides me; that way it’s less painful, easier to digest and repeat.

I thought that life, the circumstances would take me to the right path. I assumed that life would take the decisions for me; that it would take the risk, the responsibilities on my behalf… I only assumed that Ι would have to follow…

It was much easier to hide behind this possibility, this story, this thought…

I now realise that I was wrong.

Throughout the years I chose, I went after the wrong partners; partners that didn’t provide the stability and peace that I needed to take the next steps. I was aware of that; I’m to blame since I made this choice. At the time, it gave me another challenge, it thrilled me; despite occasionally complaining that I would like to have it otherwise. Even when I reached a dead end, I would not back away. I was attracted to the emotionally unavailable partners; it made me feel alive, despite the fact that I knew that eventually I was not heading towards the right direction…

My career was everything to me; my shelter, my sense of security and stability. I was in total control; I was going after the recognition, the approval, the respect. I loved my career, I still do. This has always been my choice. I went for it, and I made the most of it!

I realise that I decided to be emotionally dependent on my family of origin, even now that I have reached the age of 40. They have always been willing to support me along the way, be there for me, put up with me, put up with my mistakes and my “occasional” acting out… reaching out to my family meant that everything was taken care of, everything was easy, everything was set for me. If I had had a child of my own, I would have lost my delayed childhood; I would have to grow up…

I got carried away with time… I always felt that time was on my side, and that at some point, just like in the movies, it would be my time to step up, to feel ready, to be emotionally complete, more mature, more brave…

So it’s true that I’m jealous sometimes… I’m jealous not of other people, but I’m jealous about what I could have become…

I’m angry sometimes, for all the things that I won’t be able to experience; because of the choices I made without thinking twice.
Other times, I’m ok with it; not because I have to be ok with it. I feel proud for the choices I made, because these choices are mine, this freedom is mine, this fun is all mine.

Hοwever, there are times that I like to remind myself that life is not black or white; right or wrong; ethical or unethical. Everyone is entitled to make mistakes, to be uncertain, to even feel despair sometimes. We are all entitled to feel alive, complete, excited, happy and reassured.

Instead of blaming myself for the things I could have been, I choose, most of the times, to love myself as I’m today and for that I keep on smiling”

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